65. Audrey II

Friday July 24 2020

In today’s WTF news, there are reports coming from Utah, Washington, Virginia, and Louisiana of people receiving unsolicited packages from China. The delivery labels claim to have jewelry inside, but instead of a gift of unexpected bling, people are tipping open the envelopes to find sealed packages containing black seeds of an as yet unidentified species.  

According to one news report, a particularly astute citizen has been quoted as saying:

“I opened them up and they were seeds,” said Utah resident Culley, who found her package with Chinese characters, plus a label stating there were earrings inside. “Obviously they’re not jewelry!”

I’m more curious than concerned on this one. Unless these seeds are of a Seymour-Feed-Me variety, it seems to me the worst-case scenario is the introduction of an invasive species. A big problem, sure, but usually an abundance of kudzu doesn’t preclude a governmental coup.

So exactly what are these seeds? A considerable effort, not to mention cost, was involved in getting these niblets to the states. What is the intended result and how did those involved curate their mailing list? I’m pretty bad at keeping things of the botanical genre alive, but still. I’m a little insulted to not be considered for this direct mail campaign.

The respective state agricultural experts are all Don’t Open the Packages and Don’t Plant the Seeds and other obvious bits of advice. Those who won’t do such things don’t need to hear the cautionary measures and the rest of the people are out there planting Seymour II next to their tomatoes just to see what comes up.

Because really, an unsolicited gift from China … what could possibly go wrong?