11. Not ok

Monday April 13 2020

I’m struggling here. It’s hard to focus, or actually I’m distracted by every little thing. I want to blame today’s mood on the poor sleep from last night. Still, my mood is down and has been for quite a while now.

Talking with Derek yesterday afternoon, I realized that we’re all still employed during this time. Me, Don, Derek and Samantha. Not every family unit is as fortunate and there are many who are in a really bad position. I hate that Sam is on the front lines and holds the highest risk of contracting COVID-19. It just eats at my insides with how powerless we all are.

Yet we do have some control and are blessed with common sense to do the right thing. I want to minimize my grocery trips, which I believe to be my highest risk. I keep sanitizing wipes in the car, next to my disposable latex gloves. All the hand washing is destroying my hands with eczema hitting a critical level. Some days I think I’d be better off without that right pinky finger than deal with the leprous condition of it. The itching is maddening. It seems hay fever makes everything worse, increasing the histamine levels in my system.

I’m not comfortable making these confessions, as I’m hyper-aware of appearing meek and soft. I so want to put on a confident face to the world, yet I know that I fall short of that goal. I’ve thought about this and decided that for any reader of these lamentations in the future may be open to the advice of watching those loved ones who are holding up a mask of courage to their face. We’re not ok and we’re afraid to reach out for help, especially when others are relying on our strength.

I’m not ok right now.

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