55. Dreaming of waking

Friday July 10 2020

Ever get stuck in a dream state? When you know you’re dreaming, and can actually direct some of the things happening, yet you cannot wake yourself? Usually this is terrifying to me and while in this dream state, I’m shouting to the greater world to Wake me up! Wake me up! while pounding my fists on my thighs, of course without effect. The fear is raw and feral. It’s my increased heart rate that pushes me to consciousness.

A shitty way to start any day.

I don’t know how long I dealt with this before waking this morning. I estimate sometime as little as a minute or maybe as long as three hours. I was frustrated this time, not fearful. Even when I did bring myself wake, I found that I had merely moved to another dream. “Finally! I’m awake.” I thought. “Wait, my living room walls aren’t green.” It wasn’t even my house. It was a nice house though, bright and spacious, but had a weird set up that played into my fear of heights.

My memory tells me this scenario happened several times. I would approach people and ask them to slap me. But of course, I couldn’t feel it. Sometimes I gave up and embraced the alternate reality to discover what else was happening in this eclectic world I created. Like when Rutger Hauer showed up riding that fabulous black Friesian stallion just like in the movie Lady Hawke, which let’s me honest was only good for that one scene, and I was able to approach to pet his soft nose, the horse not the actor, and then pulled up his lips to make a cartoon face, again the horse’s, and laughed and laughed.

I mean, really, that one moment almost made up for the cursed day we all went through yesterday. Not sure it’s even worth the recap. It was just one of those days your mama warned you about. The kind when I was left numbering the small blessings instead, even though I’m not the kind of person who uses that coping method.

Are they making fun of me? It feels like they’re making fun of me.

The puppy probably had it the worst with it being his big Neuter Day and all. He started the morning with a swollen face, no idea how or why. Allergies or an insect bite or sting? I wasn’t sure they’d do the surgery, but the vet got the swelling down and carried on with no complications.

So, I’m medicating him with Rimadyl and Benadryl for the combined pain and swelling of both the fore and aft regions. Sometime during the wee hours, the meds wore off and I awoke to the sound of claws scratching his plastic cone-of-shame. After a few times of this, I got up to see his face was puffy again, so dosed more Benadryl and he eventually settled down. The vet’s instructions were dosage every twelve hours. I figured it was about ten hours since the last dose, so close enough to bring some relief to the kid.

And that was about 3:30 am. It was between here and 6:30 that I got caught in my dreams.

I don’t know, fellas. Do you think I’d be prettier if I smiled?

I’m starting the day in a fugue state; in a cloud of confused thoughts.

I also picked up my new glasses yesterday afternoon. This is the third attempt to replace the ones I’ve been wearing for the past few years. I am, of course, unhappy with these as well. This period of adjustment of seeing the visible world in a different focus is only adding to my altered state of mind this morning.

Friday Afternoon

Ohio has recorded 1,525 new coronavirus cases today, July 10, the largest number reported in one day.

So far.                             

Are these numbers accurate? Or are they Inflated? Are we still in the first wave or have we moved into the second wave? I don’t know these answers.

My son’s in-laws are a large, loud, conservative family living in a small rural town where the like-minded support their own views without the bothersome debate for balance. While I’m being all judgy about parents bringing their kids into the grocery during quarantine, the in-laws continued to gather for birthday parties and family celebrations.

“You’re invited, you know,” Derek tells us. “You guys are always welcome to come to these.”

We do know and we appreciate the ever-open invitation to join our only child’s other family. But to be honest, I’m not comfortable with being in a large gathering for now. This family has seemingly shrugged off the cautionary guidelines to slowing the spread of the coronavirus. I don’t get it and it adds to the list of things that polarizes us.

They’ve been to see my son and his wife at their home several times during quarantine, a choice I questioned but stayed out of. During this last visit, our own family values were questioned by the in-laws as we don’t make regular visits to Columbus to spend face time with these two. After all, these parents-in-law have five kids, plus grandchildren they visit all the time. Of course, they do.

You know, I also haven’t visited my mom since Ohio’s shelter-in-place was ordered or even after it was lifted. I’ve missed seeing her on both Mother’s Day and her birthday this year. And it’s not because I don’t care, because, c’mon, this is my mom. But because she’s in her mid-70’s, which puts her in a high-risk category and we could expect even a milder case of coronavirus to be … very bad.

I’m making some hard decisions here while others are out having parties. I don’t think I’m wrong.  

I also don’t see a need to publicly defend my choices and will let this go, as soon as journal therapy mojo permits it. But for these few steamy minutes, it feels like an annoying case of nunyabizness at minimum.

In Florida, the hospital ICU’s are running out of beds for the patients. Just gonna leave this right here for consideration.


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